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The football balcony

(With apologies to Vic Mizzy, composer of the original Addams Family theme tune)

The patrons are all witty
The view is always pretty
It’s structurally iffy
The football balcony

The offside calls are correct
From every viewing aspect
No oculary defects
On the football balcony

(Cheers)
(Jeers)
(Cheap beers)

If you’re the opposition
You’ll probably be wishin’
To drop cluster munitions
On the football balcony

But we all come together
To help you to play better
Address your thank you letter
To the football balcony

(Trite)
(Shite)
(Insights)

Don’t be condescendy
Towards our bodged assembly
To us it’s farkin Wembley
The football balcony

Our wheelchair access ain’t hot
But with a rope and Scout knots
We’ll hoist you to a great spot
On the football balcony

(See!!)
(We)
(Are PC)

So come and pay a visit
If to our cause you’ll commit
We got a building permit
The football balcony

Categories: Other Football Topics

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Enzo Giordani

A grassroots football enthusiast based in Auckland, New Zealand, and a fan of the most magnificent club on earth - A.S. Roma. More info (including e-mail address) can be found here: https://in-the-back-of-the.net/about/

4 replies

  1. Right. Please note this comment contains no mocking whatsoever.

    Controversy has reigned all night on my Twitter feed after this incendiary post.

    I feel the need to summarise what we seem to have learned.

    PATIO – must be an extension out at ground level.
    DECK – ambiguous – something stuck to a building. Might be at ground level (with or without a fence around it), or higher than ground level (but without a fence, if higher). Can’t have varying levels, or it becomes a terrace.
    BALCONY – must be on a level above the ground floor i.e. can’t be at ground level. Must have a railing, or it’s a deck, or a terrace (if it also has multiple levels)
    VERRANDA – must have a roof over it, either starting as a patio, deck, or balcony.
    TERRACE (or STAND) – multiple levels which may be stuck onto a building or comepletely separate from a building. May have a fence at the lowest level. Might also be a “stand” though, although personally I think to be a stand it needs a roof over at least some of the levels.

    1. You can have a covered stand and an uncovered stand. I reckon the difference between a stand and a terrace might come down to building materials… or a stand is hollow while a terrace is solid concrete?

  2. A terrace is on a slope I think, whereas a stand creates the slope by building up at the back.

  3. Enzo that is a great article. A picture tells a thousand words. Is there any other country in the world that has football balconies as viewing platforms ? I would like to know. To me that looks very kiwi and if marketed the right way can and should bring in many punters to grow the game of football in New Zealand to a viewing audience.
    Not only that you could market those pictures around the world to the football aficionado and then sell them a package tour to New Zealand with balcony viewing at a mix of matches.

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