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Breaking news – Roma fan still not happy

[This piece was originally published over at Roma Journal, an international fan site that picks up all my AS Roma related ramblings]

Totti-Gervinho

Are you watching, Arsene?

Seven games played, seven victories, twenty goals scored, only one conceded. This presents a serious dilemma for wannabe Roma bloggers such as myself. What the actual f*** am I supposed to write about? Given that the whole purpose of following a team is so you can whinge about how terrible they are, what do you do when there’s absolutely nothing to belly ache about?

Granted, I could complain about the goal they conceded back in the 39th minute of round 2 at Parma – a heinous crime that the whole team deserve to be pilloried for. But the problem is, I’m struggling to remember what happened! It was so long ago… Who even scored it? And even if I could remember, how many words would carping on about it use up? Nowhere near enough to fill a blog post, sadly…

Luckily for all of us, there are one or two other matters that are really burning me up inside that I simply must get off my irate chest.

For example, I need to point out that this is the best start to a season in the history of the club, the previous best being when we won our opening four fixtures way back in 1960. What a disgrace! Roma never starts well! It’s the one constant – the thing you can always rely on and draw great comfort from the Swiss watch precision of. It’s our sporting way of levelling the playing field. If we started well every season, it wouldn’t really be fair on the other kids now would it? They’d never catch up…

These new American owners of ours, damn them, don’t seem to pay any attention to the finest traditions of the club, such as sucking for the first half of every season. Last season, for example, they had us sucking in both halves of the season. In hindsight though, at least we knew where we stood then. This time? This time, it seems they are going to turn things completely on their head by having us not suck all season long! Foreigners with their crazy ideas. Don’t they understand? This is Italy! It’s simply not how we do things! I don’t like it…

I’ll tell you another thing as well; who does this newbie Gervinho character think he is? He was supposed to be our figure of ridicule all season! Every time he was subbed on we were all going to tweet our haughty yet humorous derision! Someone would start off with “Gervinho warming up…”, prompting scores of scoffing retweets followed by “Nooooooooo not Gervinho!” We’d all cry out as one in anguish – “What’s Garcia thinking???” Much hilarity would ensue… He was supposed to be our new Taddei. Now, after that Inter game where he put in one of the best performances I have ever seen from a player in a Roma shirt, we are all just going to have to make do with the old Taddei. Talk about selfish. Where does he get off? Will this hardship never end?

But that’s not the worst of it. The worst of it is all the people asking awkward questions. I must have fielded dozens of them.

“Hey, Enzo I see your team is doing really well! What’s changed?”

What a chore this is! The pressure is immense! It’s like a kid asking you how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. I can’t exactly shrug my shoulders and say “dunno…” I need an answer! You’re an adult, they look up to you, you must know about such simple happenings. It doesn’t occur to them that it’s not as straightforward as “they went into a chrysalis over the offseason as a hairy slug-like creature with far too many limbs for comfort and emerged as the 1970 Brazilian National Team”…

The other problem of course, is all the people tempting the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing by celebrating a Scudetto that must now surely and inevitably be ours as of right. The last thing we need right now is for people to be happy about this strange turn of events! Read my lips – There. Is. Nothing. To. Celebrate. Calm down. Have a nice corretto and a lie down. We haven’t won the league yet.

Give it a couple more weeks…

Categories: Roma/Italian Calcio

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Enzo Giordani

A grassroots football enthusiast based in Auckland, New Zealand, and a fan of the most magnificent club on earth - A.S. Roma. More info (including e-mail address) can be found here: https://in-the-back-of-the.net/about/

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